another bad day

Today was another one of those bad days and if I had to explain why I wouldn’t really be able to come up with an answer; I wasn’t in touch or in tune with my subconscious enough to give a solid reason as to the cause or origin of my apathy but I simply was not feeling up to speaking to anybody or seeing anyone or doing anything. I don’t feel like existing today.

It’s another day where I don’t know what day of the week it is or what plans I would have made if I felt better because only one person contacted me wanting to see me and it’s my boyfriend, who feels guilty because yesterday he was going to surprise me and in the end he didn’t. He wanted to pick me up from class, but since it was a surprise and I had no idea of his intentions I got on the bus as per usual to go home and it left my campus before he had left his and so he couldn’t come and pick me up; I proposed meeting in Moncloa once I got there which was in 15 minutes time – which was the amount of time it would have taken him to arrive at my university in any case – and he declined, because since his original plan went awry it didn’t make sense to him or suit his fancy anymore to see me. That pissed me off, because I didn’t really have anything else in mind except going home and staying warm and cozy on my couch and watching the Gran Hermano gala, but when he called me and told me he wanted to come pick me up and asked me to wait for him at my university (although I was already on the bus at this point) it made me really happy and I definitely wanted to see him. It annoyed me that a stupid change of plans such that he couldn’t give me the surprise he wanted made him not want to see me at all. He later confessed he was stressed because he had had an argument with his sister, which I thanked him for because I honestly didn’t understand why we couldn’t simply meet later, but still I felt annoyed.

I suppose this could be the why of my bad mood.

Maybe it’s unfair to him that his fortuitous irritation – which was due to the fact that he had fought with someone other than me, and was unable to do something that would bring a smile to my face – caused me to spiral into a spell of impassivity, stillness, unresponsiveness, disinterest…

I wonder if I’m unfair with my expectations of people, and of my life, but I’m upset that the past five years of my life I cannot bring myself to describe with an adjective that isn’t synonymous with mediocre. I don’t think I’m particularly hard to please or high maintenance, but maybe I do ask for things that are different from what I have to offer. I’m recently realizing that there is a very strong disconnect between what I wish myself having or wanting and what I manifest in my life or what I act towards having.

The point is: today was another day I would completely erase from my life, another day that I will never remember, another day that confirmed my disgusting life and terrible mind.


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