i can feel myself

June 6, 2016

I can feel myself changing, I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but I can feel it. I’m becoming stronger, or at least a part of me is. When a new soul is born what do you feed it? How do I encourage its growth or ask for a hint of who it will make me once it is done developing? A new modulator between my selfless self and the self that cares and takes care of all the other selfs – that is what I hope to be creating within me. I need a referee to jolt between my protectress and my vulnerability.

July 1, 2016

There are indeed layer to my self, and I occasionally feel them to be somewhat distinct entities, for they each always carry a distinctive and logically “theirs” train of thought, and exercise the same kind of influence on myself consistently. I have sometimes tried to dwell on them and explore their boundaries; have them interact – with scarce but indeed existent success. It was bizarre. It has scared me in the past, made me play with the possibility of my maybe developing multiple personality disorder. I tend to shut the thought down as quickly as I can because lingering on it makes it feel a realer threat – albeit my mind has decided to entertain and taunt me with it, occasionally. I think I may be on the spectrum of hypochondria-Munchhausen’s syndrome – SIGH, if that’s not the most ironic sentence I’ve ever written; certainly it’s allegorical.

Regardless – I am trusting my new growth slowly but surely. I’m currently reading Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” and he consistently repeats the phrase “daily and hourly” – whether about the frequency of the taunts and tortures they in the camps endured or the occurrence of opportunities for them to be good – so, I feel the analogy that I also find myself faced, daily and hourly, with decisions that regard my acceptance or defiance of this new soul (I’m hating calling it that but, sigh), quite fitting. I too, like the boy Frankl witnessed telling his friend he was dying and wished to die with honor and grace, aspire to face my sufferings with grace and honor, because I can decide whether or not this becomes true, regardless of my circumstances.

In this realization – that I do have the capability and responsibility, and am not a mere spectator or passenger while my train travels through life until it ends – I have found power and will, and started to find power of will. I do not want to be a sheep, herded by a select few of narcissists and sociopaths, sadists, and weak-souled power-hungry types; I do not want to be a sheep, forced to give up aspirations, goals, and expectations of his fate, because once lost the hope of a future, lost the will to live; I do not want to be a sheep, prone to develop a coating so thick it is not even wool anymore but somehow ice and stone, from spending too much time alone, or wanting to, for not being able to stand others’ sufferings, or even his own. No! I have a choice (of action, and thus of becoming of self) every moment I am aware of my humanity. I can live wherever I am put, no matter the hardships implicit in any given situation, just as we can live wherever we are born, which is chosen randomly, without our consent or knowledge, before even the existence of our conscious self. Thus, I must change, and become constantly conscious of this wish that my inner self needs to see fulfilled, and actively seek to satisfy it. I hope and think that will bring me much peace.

I am 22 and still don’t have my driving license yet, and the only reason truly is that I am lazy and have been reluctant to seriously propose myself the task of buckling down, studying for it, and learning to drive. But I always say (to somewhat pep myself up for it), “people dumber than me have gotten it, so why wouldn’t I be able to get it?” In a strange way this (probable) truth that I tell myself becomes a double-edged sword; what about those dumber people made them get their shit together (pardon my French) sooner than I? They have their license and I do not, ergo, they have something  (besides the little card with the picture that goes in your wallet, please understand me) that I do not. Extrapolated on another (more significant level), I feel this applies to what I was saying before. The same way dumber people have their license and I do not, “worse” people have gone through worse situations than I and have gotten through them with elegance and integrity. This gives me the strength to aim for that too, and the assuredness (or at least encouragement) that with my resources I should be able to do (at least) the same. Because it makes me less aware of my shortcomings, or at least makes me want to focus less on them, and not let them interfere so much with the parts of me that I know are good and that I want people to see; it makes me more aware of the parts of me that hurt when other people misinterpret me and look my goodness over, because those are the inner pillars of my self, still in molding: the core I strive to sow with morals, cultivate, and want to be proud of. We all have that feeling – we all feel righteous, and righteously so! I truly believe we are all good and we all have at least one thing in common that we feel deeply about: parents, spouses, children, a God, friends, a cause… We just often forget it. We must, daily and hourly, remember that, and refrain from judging or losing our patience and humility too soon.

I must continue these thoughts, but at a later time. I am bored of thinking and writing so much.

(^ said I before proofreading and editing this 12 times… lol hashtag perfectionist hashtag insecure lol bye for now for realz this time)


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